Hockey Hair: An Analysis

For a sport whose competitors are stereotyped as being masculine and tough, hockey players give a surprising amount of thought and preparation to their physical appearance. Their hairstyles often receive a large amount of attention. The reason for this is simple: their hair is virtually the only part of their bodies that can be seen outside of their hockey equipment.

For years, hockey players did not wear helmets. This allowed their hair to become somewhat of a focal point. Few people who have seen Guy LaFleur fly down the wing or Doug Wilson's perfectly coiffed 'fro-mullet can deny this. The hair even spawned such famous nicknames as “The Golden Jet” and his son, "The Golden Brett".

Football, basketball and baseball players have some outlets to demonstrate some personal flavour. Barring pitchers in the Major Leagues, many athletes have used tattoos as a way to demonstrate their individuality, without compromising the concept of “the uniform”.

In the NHL, a league that is almost devoid of controversy when compared to its 3 prominent American cousins (NFL, NBA, MLB), players are much less outspoken and tend to have fewer disciplinary issues than their non-hockey contemporaries. This is evidenced by the stink raised when Ray Emery dedicated part of his helmet to boxing sideshow Mike Tyson. In the other leagues, this would hardly cause an observer to bat an eye – in the more conservative NHL, it caused a minor schism.

Since it is much more difficult for NHL-ers to stand-out from the crowd than other athletes, they have maintained their hair as a point of interest - the only part of their bodies visible outside of their equipment. While some players take this opportunity to simply be different, this focus on the hair naturally causes other players to respond by growing long locks that can be admired with or without a helmet on. This, my friends, is the true story of Hockey Hair.

Many of those who aren’t properly integrated into the culture of hockey may confuse Hockey Hair with a Mullet. It is a simple cultural misunderstanding that I choose to blame on the 1980’s. At a time when the average sports fan (outside of Canada and select American cities) was becoming aware of the league’s existence, there was one figure who stood above the rest, in terms of name-recognition: Wayne Gretzky. And at the helm of his Los Angeles Kings team was a charismatic young coach who led the team deep into the 1993 Playoffs. Regardless of whether that team won the Cup or not, Barry Melrose and Wayne Gretzky had a hand in permanently marrying the terms “Hockey Hair” and “Mullet”.

While Barry Melrose was erroneously credited with sporting “Hockey Hair,” and in doing so, confused the many of non-traditional hockey fans, Wayne did, in fact, wear his in the true “Hockey Hair” style. There are, however, many differences between true Hockey Hair and the common Mullet.

As many of you know, the Mullet has often been described as “business in the front and party in the back”. It goes by many names: Kentucky Waterfall, Neck Blanket, Mississippi Mudflap, or, my personal favorite, the Ape Drape. It is a hair-do that has been trimmed short from the front until about mid-skull, where it becomes longer and less groomed. In instances where the back is cut, it is still longer than the front half of the hair. Classic examples of the mullet include the aforementioned Melrose, young Jaromir Jagr, and Joe Dirt.

True Hockey Hair, on the other hand, is longer, more flowing hair that protrudes from the sides and back of a hockey helmet. Also known as "flow", it is generally the same length all-around. The back and sides may be shorter than the top, but in most cases the hair is of a similar length all over. Classic examples of desirable hockey hair include José Theodore and Antoine Vermette. Shane Doan does well for himself and while Sidney Crosby can't grow a playoff beard, he has pretty good flow. Thomas Vanek provides an example of more average hockey hair.

The astute among you are undoubtedly thinking: “But Justin, Barry Melrose and Al Iafrate sported classic Mullets – don’t try to tell me those were Hockey Hair.” And my answer to that is: Touché. I won’t try to tell you those were hockey hair. Those were good, old fashioned Mullets. I am not trying to claim that Mullets don’t exist in hockey; it just isn’t their natural environment.

The natural environment of the Mullet is 1985. Or European soccer leagues. And hopefully that is one trend that won’t come back to our neck of the woods.

Summer Recap: The Most Changed Teams

Since the Detroit Red Wings cruised to their 11th Stanley Cup victory earlier in the summer, the landscape of the NHL has shifted. In some cases, the changes are subtle and will not much affect a team’s chances of securing the Ultimate Goal. In other cases, teams (and, in some cases, players) have made decisions that will affect the world for generations to come.

It is understandable, with the summer splendor that surrounds us, if fans cannot, by opportunity or decision, keep up with all of the changes that have taken place to shape the 2008-2009 NHL season. So, I will outline some of the most significant changes that have occurred since the beginning of the Free-Agent Season that started on July 1st.

Some teams are trying to get better. And while it may sound crazy, some teams are trying to get worse. Here is a look at two teams that have re-tooled their rosters and will deliver a noticeably different product on the ice. In one instance, the team should be less competitive. The other team completely turned around their fortunes in a matter of months.

Let’s start with the bad news:

Toronto Maple Leafs:

The suits on Bay Street have finally discovered what the average fan could have told you one season after 2004’s lockout: in order to win in The New NHL, you have to build internally. And with a new youth-based movement underfoot at the ACC, there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. However, conventional wisdom tells us that the night is always darkest before the dawn.

There has been a changing of the guard and that is most evident by the conspicuous absence of Mats Sundin’s name on the Maple Leafs’ roster. Sure, he may return. But Toronto General Managers of yore would, by August 1st, have looked at the roster and realized that the latest edition of the Maple Leafs are going to score the fewest goals in the NHL by approximately 30. At this point, they would have panicked and made him an offer he can’t refuse. The difference between our-last-inept-general-manager-who-shall-remain-nameless (henceforth to be known by the abbreviation: OLIGMWSRN), and current GM Cliff Fletcher is this: OLIGMWSRN iced a bad hockey team that was trying to be good; Fletchy is going to ice a hockey team is simply too bad to compete. And this is very intentional. The only way that the Maple Leafs can be as hopeless as Fletcher needs them to be is if Mats Sundin is not their captain. He is too willful, too talented and he will strap the team on his back to almost make the playoffs yet again. Under Sundin’s watch, the Leafs cannot vie for last place in the NHL.

If you were to take a quick inventory of the staples of Leafs teams in the past few seasons, you would notice a common theme. They have been shipped out for players who are less expensive and less recognized than their predecessors.

Paul Maurice: Gone.
Andrew Raycroft: Gone.
Kyle Wellwood: Gone.
Darcy Tucker: Gone.
Mats Sundin: Probably gone.
Brian McCabe: Gone. (read the sports section on September 1st).

To have 6 of the most recognizable figures on one team not return for the next fall constitutes the largest remodeling project in recent memory that does not involve Ty Pennington (mercifully).

With Luke Schenn to be the face of the franchise in the near future, with another top prospect to be added in the 2009 Entry Draft, the Leafs are onto something that will be reminiscent of the formerly-hopeless, now-talent laden Chicago Blackhawks.


On the other side of the coin…

Tampa Bay Lightning:

I am terribly impressed with what has happened in Tampa Bay this summer. With a completely re-vamped roster and having Vinny Lecavalier locked up for the rest of his natural life with a new 39-year, $356 million contract* the Bolts are looking primed for a return to relevance in the Southeastern Division. They are easily the most improved team in the NHL and will look to make a run at things in the Eastern Conference this year.

Any time you solidify your veteran core with tested leaders like Mark Recchi (who still has not passed his ‘best-before date’) and Gary Roberts, you have done your team a service, regardless of the number of games they play. Roberts has a presence that teaches young players how to be a professional and his physical training is second to none (ok - second only to Rod Brind’amour). If the Lightning were smart, they would offer him a front-office job when his playing days are over, because few people understand hockey in the way that Roberts does.
They bolstered their goaltending with veteran Olaf Kolzig, who will be a good backup to the relatively green Mike Smith.
And as far as I’m concerned, they made off with one of the most underrated players in the entire NHL in Radim Vrbata. He is a solid two-way player who has a scorer’s touch and he isn’t afraid of physical hockey. And speaking of physical, they added Gary Roberts, Jr. - Ryan Malone. He really came into his own this past season in Pittsburgh, under Roberts’ tutelage. While the Lightning overpaid for Malone, it isn’t the end of the world, because if they didn’t someone else was going to.

And we cannot forget the addition of Steven Stamkos, who is definitely the real deal. Stamkos was the consensus #1 Draft Pick this past spring. The Lightning have learned from the debacle of making Lecavalier the youngest captain in the NHL by not putting Stamkos under too much pressure. He will thrive in a veteran-laden environment and will benefit from the experience of his teammates, who can teach him how to deal with the pressure.


However, there are several things that Tampa Bay may not have taken into consideration:

a. Barry Melrose has not coached in 13 seasons. When you take into consideration what the NHL looked like in 1995, it would be an understatement to say that the game has evolved dramatically. Some of you may not remember 1995. To jog your memory of what the world looked like, here are several significant events from the glorious perspective of hindsight:
i. Yahoo! and eBay were founded.
ii. Mississippi ratified the 13th Amendment. You know… the one that abolishes slavery. (Note: It became part of the Constitution in 1865. This was more of a gesture to slaves everywhere.)**
iii. Braveheart wins the Oscar for Best Picture.
iv. Christopher Reeve was paralyzed in a horse-riding accident.
v. O.J. Simpson’s gloves did not fit.
vi. The Toronto Maple Leafs were still in the Western Conference.
vii. Paul Kariya and Peter Forberg were rookies.
viii. Claude Lemieux won the Conn Smythe Trophy and the Devils won the Stanley Cup.

In an Austin Powers-esque video, I would love to help catch Mr. Melrose up on the events of the last 13 years***. This is a great idea for a reality TV show. While he has not been cryogenically frozen, I still imagine that he is wonderfully out of touch with 2008 – hilarity would ensue. Also, it might be helpful for Tampa’s new owners to mandate that Melrose re-grow his hockey-hair, as it is undoubtedly the source of his coaching powers.

b. They still play in the same division as Alexander Ovechkin, who will upgrade from Tropical Storm to a full-fledged Hurricane this season. This may have been a confusing reference, as he plays in the same division as the Carolina Hurricanes, you still understand the point – he is still getting better.

*The terms of this contract have been exaggerated. But it is a long time. And a lot of money.
** Poor taste? You decide!
***Austin Powers was not made until 1997. Barry Melrose probably will not understand the reference.


There are a lot of questions that remain to be answered in the next few weeks:
- Will NHL veterans Joe Sakic and Mats Sundin return to the teams that have been built around them for the past 13+ years? Or will they opt for permanent vacations in Burnaby and Bromma, respectively?
- Will Lauren Conrad and Audrina be able to overcome their Lo inflicted differences and fill the void left in their lives by the absence of Heidi?
- Did Rachel Hunter refuse to marry Jarret Stoll until he no longer lived in Edmonton? (We may never know the answer to this question, I am just painfully curious. And yes… I’m talking about THAT Rachel Hunter.)
- Will Martin Havlat make it out of the 1st period of his 1st game before he breaks a bone this season?

These are the questions that keep me awake at night. My counselor says I need to make real friends who aren’t on a TV show. Although, I do feel like I could be the winner on ‘Bromance’.

So, with the dust beginning to settle, the 2008-2009 NHL picture will begin to look clearer over the next few weeks. I will continue to break down who went where, why and what it all means!

Summertime!

For those of you who are waiting my next post with bated breath, I will offer you this: I will do a season-preview in September.

Meanwhile, I will be here.

See you in the fall!